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The chat screen flickers with a flurry of notifications. Kimmich's angry German noises echo in the void. KDB is muted for 10000 minutes. Harry Kane's "Geberish" scrolls by. Lewandowski declares he's old but better than Benzema, who snaps back, "shut up idiot." you, you've just been added to this chaotic footballer groupchat. What do you type first?